When It Feels Like Your Ex Still Has Control Over Your Life: 3 Steps to Take Your Power Back

If your ex still triggers anxiety or dictates your emotions, this article shares three powerful ways to reclaim your peace, rebuild confidence, and focus on becoming the best version of yourself after divorce.

This post is part of the From Surviving to Thriving: A Single Mom’s Guide to Rebuilding After Divorce series—a resource for divorced single moms who are ready to move beyond survival mode. Here, you’ll find honest conversations, practical tools, and powerful mindset shifts to help you feel calm, confident, and in control—no matter what your ex throws your way.

The Invisible Strings of Control

You’ve been divorced for months—maybe even years—yet somehow, your ex still manages to occupy far too much of your mental and emotional space.

You can feel it in the pit of your stomach when your phone lights up with a message. You rehearse every response before sending it, worried you’ll say the “wrong” thing. You tiptoe through custody exchanges, managing your tone and posture so you don’t “set him off.” You replay arguments long after they’re over, wondering if you could have said it differently.

That’s what control looks like when it’s psychological, not legal. It’s not about court orders or custody agreements anymore—it’s about emotional access.

And here’s the truth: you can’t stop your ex from being who he is. But you can stop giving him power over your peace.

Why It Still Feels Like He’s in Control

Even when you’re physically free, your nervous system might not have caught up. High-conflict relationships train your brain to anticipate chaos, and it takes time—and conscious effort—to unlearn those patterns.

It’s not weakness; it’s conditioning. And the antidote isn’t more control—it’s self-regulation, boundaries, and reclaiming your focus.

3 Steps to Take Back Your Power

1. Practice the Pause

When that triggering text comes through, your first job isn’t to respond—it’s to breathe. Pause before reacting. Let your body calm before your fingers type. A few slow breaths or a quick walk to another room can keep you from getting pulled into his emotional storm.

Power shift: The moment you choose not to react immediately, you’re the one in control.

2. Communicate Like a CEO

Treat every exchange as if it’s part of a professional business relationship.

Keep it Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm (BIFF)—no emotion, no extra explanations, no defensiveness.

Example:

• Instead of: “I can’t believe you’re changing the schedule again—this is ridiculous.”

• Try: “I can do the switch on Friday at 5 p.m. as agreed. Please confirm.”

  
  

  You’re not matching energy—you’re setting the tone.

3. Redirect the Focus Back to You

Every minute spent obsessing over his behavior is energy stolen from your own healing. Ask yourself: What do I actually need right now? What would my best self do in this moment?

Then channel that energy into something within your control—your morning routine, movement, journaling, friendships, or therapy. Peace grows where your attention goes.

The Real Freedom: Becoming the Best Version of You

The goal isn’t to make your ex disappear—it’s to make his behavior irrelevant. When you strengthen your emotional boundaries, build calm into your routines, and reconnect with who you are beyond the divorce, his chaos stops dictating your day.

Freedom after divorce isn’t about his next move—it’s about your next choice.

If You’re Ready to Regain Control

This is precisely the work I do with my clients inside my StrongHER Coaching Program, where I help divorced single moms:

• Rebuild boundaries that hold under pressure

• Regulate emotions after high-conflict interactions

• Reclaim confidence, calm, and clarity in every area of life

If you’re tired of feeling like your ex still runs the show, it’s time to change that story.

💜 If you want to receive my free Prep & Debrief Ritual to start protecting your peace after stressful exchanges, send me a message to tiffany@tiffanyowenscoaching.com

💬 Or book a Free 30 Min Divorce Audit Call - Book Here to see how coaching can help you become the calm, confident, unshakable version of yourself you’ve been waiting to meet.

You can’t control him—but you can control how you rise.